There’s an inner struggle that goes without name and translates only in feeling. It has been present ever since I was born. It emphasizes just how much life is fleeting and quantifies the ever present fear of not being able to get everything done that I’d like. A new, balanced appreciation for all has stemmed out of the chaos though. It’s a heavy alertness of being able to wake up and script a story the way my heart wants. There’s that idea of invincibility as well. There’s that youthful innocence had even in aged smiles.
The past week worked as a tunneled vacuum. I spent most of the days, hanging out with a four year old that liked cracking jokes about perfumed gas escaping from his tooshie. A heatwave hit New York and cracked the body good, leaving a sticky layer of moisture that bathed up and on the skin. People bitched and moaned and said stuff like, “The humidity blows”. I felt otherwise though, but then again, I always do. In a recent conversation had with my friend Alex, we decided that the heat-like slime, was something of a rite of passage. It was something that felt like a baptismal. It reminded one of sex and hunger and those blemishes that make you, you. And that is everything I can identify with. That bath of oceanic sweat, trips me up, and I like the salt it leaves clinging to the lips. It’s like that of a lollipop splendor. I’m eager to lick it!
Yesterday, the Pale Saint’s Way the World Is had me haunted. I let myself get hyper-punched in the gut with that crackly guitar noise there at the beginning. Then the words of it bled some hardcore electric truth. That bit where it’s said,
time will get you in the end
and take away the things
the things you thought you had
time will take away your friends
and leave you all alone
alone until the end
had me clawed up.
It wasn’t enough to get me down and grumpy though. Instead, the soul kept popping off good ideas and I put my imagination to work. I spent most of the night, dreaming of my trip to Borneo next summer with Alex and told him about my weird affinity for birds. “I’m one of them”, I thought. “I’m ready to fly forever.” He met this with the generic, “I like where are lives are going”. And I just nodded my head and smiled. Because yeah, things are tasting good.